Good Morning:
As I have posted about my miscarriage numerous times and it may seem like I am dragging this out by me talking about it. But I find it helps in away being able to spill my feeling onto my blog and feeling a little relief for a short while that maybe someone out there sees they are not alone in this. I found there is no support groups to help women and their families through this tragedy. Yes there is some help when you are dealing a early pregnancy loss group but once your pregnancy hormones are below 5 they close their case on you and that’s it. So how are we supposed move on from this? Not everyone has a great support system.
That’s what is needed specially when a woman is having a hard time, it also seems taboo to speak about it as well. Its a big deal since as a woman who has gone through a miscarriage for 3 months. I just went through the motions of going on with my life in a way. I never cried in public, I always cried alone (even though yes my husband was there for my but he admitted he doesn’t understand what I am feeling). This why I wish there was a program or something to help him understand that its not easy for a woman to get over losing a baby ( it doesn’t matter if you were 3 weeks or 8months , losing a baby is heart breaking). I did end being lucky and having friends who understood what I was going and helped in way so then I could vent to them but I generally dealt with it on my and still am at this point.
The feelings of being scared, hurt, and tortured inside still happens a lot. I do still sometimes blame myself about losing my baby. And I know I shouldn’t since my body knew something was wrong with baby. But its hard not though, I keep thinking I did something wrong. I keep wondering if this will ever get better instead of me just getting better at hiding at what I feel. I felt and still feel like a burden when I talk about it even know I do.
What I found what has made it hard dealing my miscarriage is I hoped so hard that I wouldn’t go through it since I knew several friends who did go through a miscarriage and my heart went out to them when they told me. Once I found out I was pregnant back in November of 2016. I did I hoped so hard that it wouldn’t happen. But once my doctor told me on January 24/17 that baby did I just felt numb and I did cry but it wasn’t registering in a way either though. Since I never bleed right away and even when I did start bleeding it was very light amounts.
I feel empty sometimes when I am thinking about my little one specially when I am alone. I never got to hear their heartbeat. I want to start feeling normal emotionally I still feel I’m on this roller coaster of emotions. I have been told time makes it better but I feel like that is a lie in a way as well. I know it has only been 3 months since my miscarriage has ended but I found I just better at hiding my emotions really. I put on a face for the world to see since I do work with the public but even after work that face is still on and its hard to let people in to see this side. I feel very vulnerable and alone going through this. That’s why I do wish there was a support group I could go and talk to women face to face about this. Ask them questions if feeling this is normal, ask them if sometimes wondering about having children is normal, being scared of getting pregnant etc.
Well this one of probably many post yet to come since I found it helps a little bit.
Have a great day everybody.
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